CONTENTS
Is my partner depressed?
What changes when your partner is depressed?
Doubt, frustration and powerlessness
How do you recognize depression in your partner?
How do you deal with a depressed partner?
What if your depressed partner doesn't want help?
When is it wise to seek help?
Frequently asked questions about a depressed partner
Is my partner depressed?
You notice that your partner is changing. Is my partner depressed? Maybe it was gradual, maybe quite sudden. Where before there was contact, now more and more distance seems to replace it. Conversations fall silent or require effort. Things that used to come naturally work less or not at all.
You see and more importantly, you "feel" that things are not going well. That your partner has less energy, withdraws or reacts more quickly to irritation. And meanwhile you try to be there, to help, to catch him or her where you can. And you notice that it does something to you. That it's hard. That sometimes you don't know what to do, or what not to do.
Living with a partner who is depressed doesn't just affect him or her. It affects both of you. And if there are children, they often have a keen sense that something is going on, too. Even if you try to keep it as normal as possible. Maybe they ask questions, maybe they withdraw or try to adjust to the atmosphere in the house. You want to protect them and offer them peace and quiet, but find that it doesn't always work out.
That makes it extra complicated. You're trying to be there for your partner, for your children and, somewhere, for yourself.
But there is help.
What changes when your partner is depressed
Depression does something to how a person feels, thinks and behaves. Your partner may become quieter, take less initiative or shut off from the outside world. Things that used to be important to him or her seem to mean less. Making contact begins to become more difficult, even within the relationship.
Sometimes it manifests itself in somberness and withdrawal, or in irritability and becoming angry more quickly. It can be confusing because you don't always recognize what is going on and because reactions are different from what you are used to. For you as a partner, it can feel like you are slowly losing someone, while that person is still just there.
Doubt, frustration and powerlessness
Perhaps you recognize that you try to understand what's going on, but you just can't get close. You try to help where you can, but you feel it makes little difference.
There are times when you feel powerless. Or frustrated because you see what's happening and you can't change it. Maybe you wonder if you're doing something wrong, or just not enough. These are not crazy reactions. They are often part of this situation, even though hardly anyone talks openly about it.
How do you recognize depression in your partner?
Depression is more than a period of gloom. And there are different types of depression. It is a condition in which a person experiences low energy for long periods of time, struggles to feel pleasure and often looks negatively at himself or the future. It can cause even small things to take too much effort. That taking initiative, in any form, becomes difficult. That making contact feels heavy, even with people close to them.
Not every depression looks the same. For some, gloom is in the foreground, for others, emptiness or irritability. Sometimes it is a one-time period, sometimes it recurs, and in the worst case it becomes chronic. And frequently anxiety symptoms or tension also come into play. Sometimes the underlying causes of depression are easy to recognize. For example, a person may experience depression because he or she has experienced trauma. Other times, people suffer from depression for no apparent reason.
How do you deal with a depressed partner?
There is no set way that always works. Every situation is different, and so is every person. What often helps is trying to keep seeing that your partner's behavior is not meant personally, but stems from how he or she feels. That doesn't make it any less difficult, but it can help you look at it differently. At the same time, you don't have to fix it all. You can be there, listen and stay involved, but you don't bear sole responsibility for how the other person is doing. That very realization creates space. For you, and ultimately for your partner as well.
What if your depressed partner doesn't want help?
This is the hardest part for many people. You see that things aren't going well, but your partner doesn't want help. Perhaps it is waved away, denied, or feels like too big a step. Sometimes shame comes into play, or the idea that it will go away on its own. As understandable as that may be, it puts you in a difficult position.
You cannot force someone to seek help. What you can do is continue to voice your concerns and keep the conversation open, without pushing. Name what you see, what it is doing to you and why you are concerned.
And perhaps more importantly, also seek help yourself. For example, at the doctor's office, to seek advice on how to deal with this.
When is it wise to seek help?
If your partner's symptoms persist, worsen and negatively affect daily life too much, it is important not to dwell on them for too long. The family doctor is often the first step. From there, appropriate help or treatment is sought.
At U-center, we look not only at the depression itself, but also at the context around it. How someone functions, what is going on and what is needed to get things moving again. We also pay attention to the impact on loved ones and relationships.
You can always talk to U-center without obligation.
What it means to you when your partner is depressed
Living with a partner who is depressed requires a lot. More than you could have imagined. You want to be there for the other person, but also find that it affects you. That it takes energy. That it teeters between caring for the other person and caring for yourself.
In that, you don't have to do it alone.
Frequently asked questions about a depressed partner
How can I best help my partner?
By being there, listening and staying involved, without trying to solve everything. Small, genuine attention often makes more of a difference than big solutions. Reading about depression and getting a little more information about depression also helps.
Should I push my partner to seek help?
Forcing usually backfires. You can, however, voice your concerns and keep the conversation open.
Is it normal for me to feel frustrated sometimes?
Yes. Feelings of frustration, helplessness or doubt are common among partners in this situation.
What if it becomes too much for me?
Then it is important to also seek support yourself. For example, through the family doctor or someone close to you.
Can depression affect your relationship?
Yes, it can create distance, less contact and more tension. But that certainly does not mean that recovery is not possible.
This blog is endorsed by Rosy Ghijsens / Psychiatrist
You can also contact us to discuss whether we can do anything for your partner.